


"To My Dearest..."

by CrazyJ



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Child names, F/M, Letter, Minor Character Death, Teen Pregnancy, daddy!harry, learning the full story, long lost loves
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-16
Updated: 2014-05-16
Packaged: 2018-01-25 04:29:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1631585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrazyJ/pseuds/CrazyJ
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>"I am sure that you must be confused right now as to why after fifteen years I am suddenly reaching out to you."</em>
</p><p>
  <em>"The night that we were supposed to leave I sat on my bathroom floor with tears pouring down my cheeks as I made my decision."</em>
</p><p>A letter delivered to the door has the power to change everything Harry once thought about his life and how he spent the last 15 years.</p><p>
  <em>"I have and always will love you."</em>
</p><p>
  <sub>Amazing <a href="http://i.imgur.com/1Rv59JN.jpg">banner</a> by shore</sub>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	"To My Dearest..."

"Daddy, Daddy, there's a letter for you!" Called my youngest daughter, pattering towards me with her little feet, her long curly hair twirling down her back and ruffling in the wind as she whisked towards me, a smile gracing her beautiful five year old features.

"Hi baby." I whispered, trying to avoid comparing her looks to that of my wife.

"Whose it from, Daddy?" She asked me, her dark green eyes looking up at me with a loving expression and I bit back the tears that were forcing themselves to spill over.

"I haven't read it yet, baby girl. Why don't you go play with your sister and I'll be up in a few minutes to read you both a bedtime story, how's that sound?"

"Okay!" She cheered enthusiastically, throwing her little five year old fists into the air as she turned and ran from the room, calling out her sister's name as she went and leaving me alone in the kitchen, my heart hammering in my chest as I stared down at the letter.

"It can't be." I whispered into the silence, looking down at the letter with my name written on it in a writing I hadn't seen for over fifteen years. "It just can't be."

I sat there for what felt like ions, trying to convince myself to open the letter that I knew I wanted to read more than anything else in the world, the same letter I was also petrified to open, revealing the secrets and bringing to the surface the feelings I had been harboring for all that time. I was terrified of what the letter would reveal. But as the seconds ticked by I found myself reaching for the letter opener and slicing a thin slit near the top of the envelope despite my fear. It was now or never.

***

_To my dearest Harry,_

_I am sure that you must be confused right now as to why after fifteen years I am suddenly reaching out to you. I myself am still a little hesitant to be putting pen to paper in an attempt to explain my absence._

_Let me first start with letting you know that it was not a bout of cold feet that sent me running in the opposite direction. Or maybe it was. After fifteen years of wondering I still haven't fully decided how I felt about the whole thing, I just know that leaving you was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and that includes getting married to a wonderful man and bearing three children with him._

_It is difficult for me to decide where to start. Do I begin with why I didn't show up at the airport on that fateful day? Do I begin with why I never contacted you over the years or why I am doing it now? I know that you sent someone looking for me, it took a great deal of explanation to convince him to go home empty handed when he knocked on my door one night that October. But as with all great stories, maybe the beginning is the most logical of places to start off this letter._

_I met you in a park. It wasn't a special park though it became one, at least to me. The day was no different than any other. There was a blue sky above my head and green grass beneath my feet. There were birds in the trees and insects underfoot and across the park sitting on a swing sat a boy with the curliest hair and the brightest green eyes and a smile that had me smiling before I could even catch myself._

_So I guess that is in essence where the story begins. When I saw the boy sitting alone on the swing I felt a patter in my heart that I was not akin to feeling. In fact it took me so much by surprise that I was worried for a moment that I may have been experiencing what the elderly call heart attacks or maybe even a heart murmur._

_It turned out my heart just skipped a beat when I laid my eyes on you._

_The boy on the swing beckoned me over and despite my best judgment I found myself walking over and sitting down on the adjacent swing, pushing myself off and loving the feeling of the wind in my hair as I rocked back and forth in silence, loving the sensation of being free. He too seemed to be feeling the same way and when he jumped off and held his hand out to me I found myself taking it without thinking._

_Maybe that's where it all began. Maybe all this heartache was caused the day I took your hand and let you lead me to a small café across town where we talked for hours. Of course I knew who you were; it was hard not to when you lived in England and the biggest boy band in the world was from the same country. Everyone who knew anything knew your five names. But it wasn't until that day in the café as you sat drinking your chocolate milkshake and laughing so hard it came out your nose that I learned who you really were._

_I guess I was a little surprised to find out that you were a lot funnier than the interviews always portrayed you. You were a lot sweeter too, taking my hand as we walked out of the café late that night and walking us across the river, making sure I made a wish before we went because you wanted my dreams to come true as yours already had. When we woke up the next morning after a night of laughing, talking and only sleeping I knew the tabloids had it wrong. You weren't just some sort of womanizer who wanted to take as many innocence's as you could. You were loving and caring and when you kissed my head before we went to sleep last night I found myself falling a lot harder than I should._

_Which I guess is where it all went wrong._

_Maybe I shouldn't have fallen for you. I never dreamed that you'd be mine. But here we are, we're here tonight. Maybe that's where it all began, the day that I realized my heart beat a little faster when I looked at you or when I got butterflies when you kissed my nose. Maybe it was the day that you introduced me to the rest of the band and they all shared a look and welcomed me into the family, as if they KNEW that something was happening between us. I can't really blame this all on a single moment because it was months of feelings wrapped up into one that caused this whole mess. Or maybe it was just the fact that we fell in love._

_Before we get too far, however, let me clarify that it was not your fault for letting me fall in love with you that caused all this. It was I that should not have let you fall in love with me. I was broken, a fact I knew all too well by all the broken relationships or lack thereof that made my life. I did not have the prettiest blond hair or the bluest of eyes. I didn't have perfect teeth and my cleavage was nothing to be discussed about. I had days where all I wanted to do was lie in bed and cry and I had moments when a nice cheese burger seemed like a better alternative than a dainty little salad. So forgive me, please for I should have known all along what would happen if you were to fall for me one day. This would happen; this incorrigible heartbreak that plagues my every waking second. But again, I blame only myself for the events that were to occur._

_Eventually it only made sense that the five of you would move to America for a while. You always said it would be for only a short period of time and you were right as you moved back less than three years later with your fiancée in tow. I guess I too am blame for that. For forcing you to find someone who would also break your heart in a very different way. Maybe I could have saved you the heartbreak if I had only changed the course of actions I took that day. But I digress as I am getting ahead of myself._

_When you came to my flat that night to tell me you were leaving I felt my heart breaking into a million pieces as you spoke. Maybe it was because of the tears that were pouring down your cheeks as you broke the news to me but it was also partially because I knew in that moment that I was going to lose you and I wasn't sure I was strong enough to handle that. In the end I guess it turned out I was but in that moment it truly felt like life would no longer go on._

_That night as we lay in bed, talking about our dreams and aspirations and what we wanted from life, you leaned over and you told me you loved me. It was the first time that I think anyone in my life had ever told me they loved me, including my parents who were so rarely in my life that I essentially had raised myself since the day I turned four._

_In that moment I felt as the tears pricked the backs of my eyes as I stared back at you and suddenly my chest felt like it was going to explode as some feeling suddenly took over my entire chest. I couldn't breathe though I could hear my heart pounding loudly in my ears, I couldn't see anything but your gorgeous green eyes looking at me with an expression that every young child wishes she could have seen at some point in her life and when you looked at me so hopeful like I couldn't help but say it back._

_Just so you know, before we continue on with this story, I meant those words more than anything else in this world. I believed it with all my heart when I looked into your eyes and told you that I loved you too and when you kissed me like so many times before I could feel the love that was in that kiss, felt the feeling I had been missing for so long and when you stripped me of my clothes and made love to me for the first time in my life I couldn't have been happier._

_That night as we lay naked in each other's arms you asked me a question that was the beginning of the end. I remember so clearly as you rolled over, propping your head up with one of your beautifully sculpted arms, your curls sweaty and limp hanging in your face and causing your normally frequent head twitch to increase tenfold. You reached over and grabbed my chin with your forefinger and thumb, turning my face to look at you as you whispered to me, begging for me to come with you. It was no easy question and we both knew that. We both knew that if I were to come that our lives would change forever. I would have to give up my job, my flat and the few friends I had. You would have to give up your life of being the most wanted bachelor in the world because if I were to move with you then it meant that we were committed to each other and that terrified me._

_But it did not scare me enough to cause me to say no._

_Plans were made, houses were bought in various locations across Los Angeles as the rest of the boys and their partners made plans to move halfway across the world to start our lives anew. It was the first time in the band's history that everyone was taken though it would not be the last. But as the time drew near the frays suddenly became clear._

_Fights began between the couples, something that we were thankfully immune too. Clashes over color and cost, location and career and suddenly moving to a new country seemed less than it originally had and I wondered to myself constantly what I was getting myself into. Would these couples last when we made our way around the world? Was it all because of the stress everyone was under or were we suddenly seeing the cracks in the relationships for the first time? As everyone's personal lives dropped into chaos we somehow managed to avoid the fray and I wonder if it would have been better if a tiff or two were to have occurred._

_But amidst it all, amidst the perfection that was our relationship was also the doubt. The death threats that I did my best to hide. The days I came home crying because of a nasty word or a steaming cup of coffee that was thrown my way. I had thought that after seeing you so happy your fans would be appreciative of our relationship but as always with these things I was sorely wrong._

_It also didn't help that your sales were falling. The band was no longer coming out with music as often, going on as big of tours or signing as many autographs. Fans were jumping ship to bigger and better bands, newer bands and you were slowly fading into the background like so many other boy bands before you. That was part of the reason we were moving was it not? To start over and refresh your career? Was that not the reason that your management team called me to let me know that I couldn't mess this up for you? That a girl with no parents and nothing to her name was no such match for a world famous pop star. So maybe it was then that the cracks started to appear when I suddenly felt inadequate. But I should have trusted that our relationship was strong enough to defy all odds and make it through._

_It was then that I found out I was pregnant._

_I shouldn't have been so naïve to think that without using protection I would be immune as it was only my first time. I should have thought of the consequences of what a baby at 21 would do to your career. People would judge you, would judge me. You would forever be known as the guy who got the 19 year old girl pregnant and our relationship would diminish under the bright lights of the flashing bulbs. I was scared of what the fans would say about me, sure, but underneath it all I was scared more than anything about what they would say about you._

_The night that we were supposed to leave I sat on my bathroom floor with tears pouring down my cheeks as I made my decision. I would not come with you to America where I would destroy your career. People would believe it when I told them I couldn't handle the pressure of dating a pop star. They would feel sympathy for me and especially for you and overnight you would go back to being the most eligible bachelor. To this day it was the hardest decision of my life and I wonder why after 15 years I still believe it was the wrong one._

_But that might be because I still love you. Because raising OUR child alone away from the media has been the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with despite leaving you. Did you know the official story was that I had run away with a waiter after you left and gotten pregnant that very night because a friend of mine took me home one night when he saw the tears and fed me spoonful's of cookie dough as I cried? I guess I should not be surprised that the media was so low as to think such things of me but it was all an act for the ratings, something I understood after a year of being together._

_I did go to the airport that night though. I had to see you one last time. I knew the gate, knew how you operated and knew where you would be and I came wearing a wig and a trench coat and stood there with the screaming fans as you looked out at the crowd, clearly searching for me. It both broke my heart and mended it to know that I could cause such a visceral reaction in you. Though it pained me to see you cry when I didn't show up I knew when I walked away that you had loved me with all your heart and that was enough to keep me from killing myself later that night._

_Your management team paid me to keep quiet about the baby. I refused to take the money for over six months before my business went under and I lost my job and my career in a night. In the end I took the money and bought myself a sizeable apartment, filled a nursery with clothing and cribs and anything a baby could need and when our child was born three months later I at least had a bed for him to lie in._

_A few months later I heard you had found yourself a new girlfriend and it made me so happy to know that you were able to move on and be happy again. My only focus at the time was our child and two years later when I met my husband I knew I would be able to move on again. I had followed your stories on the news every day, searching your name in the media to see how you were doing. Despite myself I was happy for you when you announced you were getting married after three years of being with your girlfriend and after four years of leaving me and I wrote to you on twitter though you never responded._

_Five years later we both had our brood of kids. You had four I heard, twins and two young girls. I too had twins before my husband died in a car accident a year later and I was suddenly left alone again, but this time not of my own doing. I was heartbroken and felt that the world was against me. That is when I found out your wife had terminal cancer._

_I couldn't believe it when I watched the press conference along with millions of other fans. It just wasn't fair that life could steal from you the mother of your children. Over the years you had seemed so happy with her and I just couldn't understand how anyone could fathom such a travesty._

_I heard she fought until the very end though. That she didn't want to give up until her body decided otherwise. She seemed like an amazing woman from what I heard people say about her and about the way you looked at her whenever you were out with public. I heard you were there by her side every second until she died._

_So I guess that maybe in the end this is why I am finally reaching out to you after so many years apart. Because no one should have to go through this alone. I knew that you have your brothers, your family, and your kids. But a long time ago we were the ones in love and I just wanted you to know that not a single day has gone by in which I haven't thought of you and hoped that you were doing well._

_As someone who too has lost their partner I know the anger you must be feeling at being left alone to raise your kids, the anger at the world for taking away her life too soon. But please, for the sake of your kids, do what it takes to keep a hold of reality and stay strong for the purpose of being the rock those children need in the wake of losing their mother. I know how hard it was for me and my children. I can't imagine what it would be like to be doing this in front of the whole world._

_Do you remember though, when we were young and restless and watching that movie, the one where the woman goes looking for the man she fell in love with all those years ago? But instead she finds his son who tells her that he had died? Well in that movie that woman and the man she fell in love with, they believed that you named your kid after someone you cared deeply for, someone who had impacted your life. Which is why, my three children are named Harry, Edward, and Gemma._

_I know it might seem weird to name my children after you. But in a way it was my means of keeping you in my life after so many years of you being gone. It's been hard not having you with me and knowing if I had just gone to the airport that night that our destinies would have been different. But I have three beautiful children who I love and despite my heartbreak I know I made the right decision in end because otherwise I would not have these kids who I love._

_So Harry. I am not sure what you are thinking right now but just know that this letter isn't meant to hurt you. In fact, it is to bring clarity to what might be the darkness that still inhabits that part of your life. I hope that this letter gives you a reason to move on and that it will give you the strength to hold on for your kids because I know how easy it is to want to give in and give up your life._

_Just know this. That even though fifteen years have passed and we are no longer together and you may no longer love me. I have and always will love you with all my heart._

_From your dearest, with all my love,_

_Anna-Louis Jessica Parker xx_

***

"Daddy, are you crying?" My youngest daughter called as she ran back into the room her face filled with concern.

"It's okay baby, I am crying happy tears I promise, this is a letter from an old friend, it made me very happy to read it that's all."

"Oh okay. Can we have our bed time story now?"

"Sure, baby."

And when I tucked my darling children into bed I made sure to say goodnight to each of them and give them a little kiss.

"Goodnight my dearest Anna. Goodnight Parker. Goodnight Louise. Goodnight Jessica. Sleep well my children for know my dearest, that I love you forever and always."

**Author's Note:**

> This is a story I wrote a few months ago over on 1DFF but I've fallen in love with AO3 and wanted to share my work here too, so I hope that you enjoyed this story, it was completely different from what I normally write but I hope that you love it nonetheless and I would love to hear what you have to say about it!
> 
> Also, you can find me over at [tumblr](http:jessiejessj.tumblr.com) so come over and say hi xx


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